Top Gun
01-02-2006, 00:54
and the weiners are. . .
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who
died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while
riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was
pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3:00 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and
his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and
undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads
to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has
since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with
its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who was apparently
being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to
call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and
walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had
choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who
shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West
Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in
Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup
truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an
explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer,
24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late
Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.
Payne.. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was
trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show
you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew
all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was
listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries,
according to a spokesperson at Ch****ston Area Medical Division. "I
just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said
an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be
alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25,
lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid
Mountain Men
Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can
off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said
that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in
Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the
tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all
major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull
the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts
admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have
been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the
initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his
friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington
amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the
show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for
Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on
the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and
broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his
shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and
saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his
fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts,
a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon
landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a
rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup
truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put
the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his
friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with
its driver, Sal Hawkins, thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the
scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found
John Pernicky under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick
in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree
branch 25 feet in the air.
And some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool!
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who
died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while
riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was
pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3:00 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and
his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and
undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads
to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has
since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with
its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, who was apparently
being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to
call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and
walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the
store.
Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had
choked him to death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who
shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West
Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in
Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup
truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an
explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer,
24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late
Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.
Payne.. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was
trying to explode it. It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show
you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew
all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was
listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries,
according to a spokesperson at Ch****ston Area Medical Division. "I
just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said
an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be
alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25,
lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid
Mountain Men
Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can
off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said
that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel
would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in
Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the
tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all
major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull
the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts
admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have
been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the
initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his
friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington
amphitheater.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the
show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for
Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over.
Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on
the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and
broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his
shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and
saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his
fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts
to free himself from the tree.
Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts,
a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon
landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh.
Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a
rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup
truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he put
the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his
friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with
its driver, Sal Hawkins, thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the
scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found
John Pernicky under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick
in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree
branch 25 feet in the air.
And some more idiots have been removed from the gene pool!