Top Gun
01-08-2006, 12:23
A friend from Texas sent this. . . have tissues handy, you'll be in tears!
Chili
If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running downyourcheeks then there's no hope for you. For those of you who have lived inTexas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-offaboutthe time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of theparking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilitaster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from theEast Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
theBeertruck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other twojudges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So Iaccepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflamesout. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'msupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wantedtogive me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when theysawthe look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feelslikeI have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get memorebeer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backboneisinthe front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of thebeer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orothermild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unabletotaste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, wasstanding behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is startingtolook HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili anaphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Mustadmit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead andIcan no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me neededparamedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that herchilihad given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding bypouringbeer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lipsoff.It really pisses me off that the other judgesasked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spicesand peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, andgarlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it willeat
through the chair. No one seemsinclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkierthan I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass withasnow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchilipeppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried aboutJudge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili whichslidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to matchmyshirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I'vedecided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not gettinganyoxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inchholein my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not tooboldbut spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild norhot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,fellover and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he'sgoing to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hotchili.
Chili
If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running downyourcheeks then there's no hope for you. For those of you who have lived inTexas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-offaboutthe time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of theparking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chilitaster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from theEast Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
theBeertruck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other twojudges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So Iaccepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 - (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put theflamesout. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure whatI'msupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wantedtogive me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when theysawthe look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 - A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feelslikeI have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get memorebeer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backboneisinthe front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of thebeer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish orothermild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unabletotaste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, wasstanding behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is startingtolook HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili anaphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Mustadmit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead andIcan no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me neededparamedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that herchilihad given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding bypouringbeer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lipsoff.It really pisses me off that the other judgesasked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spicesand peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, andgarlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it willeat
through the chair. No one seemsinclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkierthan I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass withasnow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchilipeppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried aboutJudge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world soundslike it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili whichslidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to matchmyshirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I'vedecided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not gettinganyoxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inchholein my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not tooboldbut spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild norhot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,fellover and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he'sgoing to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hotchili.